Black Snowflakes !!!
Ekrem was just divorced when he came to me. He was telling that he did not know what to do and felt empty. I have no strength to neither stay nor go in this life, as if he was saying with his misty eyes. Why did I feel so weary about leaving someone I thought I didn’t love, I can’t understand myself. Can you explain why you left? when I said:
We were fighting every day, trying to find and humiliate each other’s vulnerabilities like enemies. Who more wanted to leave? When I said, “He” he said and continued: Actually, I thought that I would be more free when I was separated, I would do many things that I thought to do and could not do, with this excuse. As I wanted, I would organize a football match with my friends, go on their own holidays outside the province and abroad, find new lovers and add excitement to my life. It was a great feeling for me to be able to come and go home at any time and not be held accountable to anyone. But now nothing has turned out as expected, I don’t want to leave the house.
I feel so lonely and bad. Loneliness is a bad thing, people’s throat gets knotted, they don’t want to eat even a bite of bread. Why did it hurt me so much for the absence of someone I thought I didn’t love? What do I want? I even missed fighting. I used to call friends for lunch at the office, we used to go together. After work, it would have made me very happy to drink something and say three or five words in a close cafe with friends, I wish we could chat a little more if time did not pass. Don’t get me wrong, they were man-to-man politics, cars, match conversations, it was not a chatterbox. I don’t want to do any of them now, I just want to go to the dark bed of my dark room and stare at the blank walls for hours. He took his head in his palms and started thinking about what was happening to me. After letting him think for a while, we continued our session. You haven’t lived through this experience for no reason, everything you experience has a meaning, significance and something you want to teach, why do you think you might have had this experience? I asked. She thought, answered my question and asked her again the following question:
Do you want to be reborn from your ashes in this process? Or do you want to escape the feeling of loneliness and confrontation with yourself and find new temporary ports? He told me: Yes, I was maintaining a relationship I didn’t want, that’s true, I didn’t make a mistake in leaving. But I realized that I was afraid of being alone, I saw myself as nothing, in fact he put me to abandonment, I couldn’t digest it. What saddened me was that he wanted to leave more and could walk away without even looking back. I had no memory, no effort, didn’t shed a tear.
I guess I thought, women in our society have watery eyes, they get upset and cry. But he neither shed a tear nor was upset; there was no comfort in getting rid of me; I felt it in his shoulders and in his eyes, I actually couldn’t handle it. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt any of this if I wanted to leave like in Turkish movies and if he had fallen on my feet. However, I really want to change so that I can become stronger and exist again. I will not take it easy, I will not take shelter in new temporary ports. I risk being born again !!! As we finished our work and left the room, he suddenly came back, sat down again and said:
I think black snowflakes can be very beautiful, if they have the courage to turn into white snowflakes !!! (Note: The name of the client has been changed in line with ethical values.)