Steps to Transforming Your Marriage into a Garden of Eden
1. You must first choose to bring your marriage to a better stage. Remember, we are constantly making choices. Do you really want and choose to improve your marriage with your conscious mind about your marriage?
2. In the marriage, you must accept the injured child who awaits healing within yourself and your partner. You should remember that in other relationships that you will experience without healing the injured child within you, the injured child within you will be with you and the same demands will continue. Breaking out will not solve your problems. Instead, try to get better in the relationship you are living in first. One of the most important points that you should not forget should be to consider the demands of the injured child who wants to heal in him by empathizing with your spouse’s thoughts and behaviors.
You should definitely strengthen communication with your spouse. You should avoid judgmental, critical attitudes. Instead, you should convey your understanding of your partner’s emotions and feelings with feedback. “I understand very well that you are sorry. You say I should be calmer. Is it correct?” You should confirm with feedback whether you have understood your spouse correctly or not.
4. Remember, we are hungry to be loved by the original people who raised us, or those who were mixed with them on a subconscious level very similar to them. I guess you asked how our spouses, who carry some of the negative personality traits of our elders who raised us, can heal us. Here I am now sharing with you how this healing process takes place. What one partner needs most is always what the other least can give. This point marks exactly the area that the spouse should develop. In other words, the effort you put into healing your partner will also reclaim an essential part of yourself.
While trying to meet your spouse’s needs for a happy and safe marriage, you actually regain your essential parts of yourself. Thus, while trying to fulfill the demands of the injured child in your spouse, you also heal your own injured child. The love you give each other reaches your own wounds and heals them too.
5. “You never …” “You always …” You should keep in mind. Knowing this, you have to find desires hidden in chronic inhibitions. Then you have to turn the general desires into specific behaviors that will satisfy them.
You have to accept your spouse as is without trying to change him. Because trying to change your spouse will feel like the disappearance of the “me” he used to be. Subconsciously, this change is equivalent to death for your partner. When you approach with love and trust and convey that you understand your spouse’s feelings, your spouse will feel less fear of death. You should definitely improve yourself in the field of communication.
In the face of your spouse’s behavior that you do not like, it should be like “It annoys me that you treat me this way, I don’t like it”. Do not suppress or hide what you feel, just try to express it with soft and constructive language. “Jale now please take a break!” “Ornamental! What a mouth you have, my friend! ” “Shame on you, you ruined the man’s brain!” “Halal, what patience there was in him!” “Come on now. Vallahi I pity your husband. I don’t think he can hold on to this chin any longer. ” “You will leave and go and see you then …” :)
7. When love and respect combine, a feeling of shame arises. Do not do everything next to your partner. This feeling of shame should be at a level that prevents you from being face to face with your partner. For example, if you are ashamed of your partner and do not go to bed while sweaty, it will affect your relationship positively. The fine line should always be maintained.
8. Try to do something in common with your partner. Increase your shares. Watching too much television, spending a long time on the internet, working overtime are all escapes. Spot and close these escape points and spend time with your partner instead.
9. It is very important to have an interest in marriage. If you are indifferent towards each other, you will have a complete break. If you are indifferent to a problem your spouse has experienced at work, if you act indifferent when he is sad or happy, the apathy between you will increase and different searches will be inevitable.
10. You should take responsibility for telling your spouse about your desires and needs. Subconsciously, you are stuck with a childish belief that your partner will automatically sense your needs. In conscious marriage, you accept the fact that you need to develop clear communication channels to understand each other.
11. You should be more planned during your interactions. Your subconscious tends to react without thinking. You shouldn’t let the primitive reactions of your subconscious mind direct your actions. You have to think with your conscious mind and train your behavior and yourself to be more constructive.
12. You should learn to value your spouse’s wishes and needs as much as you value your own wishes and needs.
13. You have to admit how difficult it is to create a good marriage. Your subconscious believes that the way to a good marriage is to choose the right partner. In conscious marriage, you must realize that you have to be the right person. When you gain a more realistic perspective on love relationships, you should be sure that a good marriage can be created with responsibility, discipline, determination to change and develop. Marriage requires hard work. Unless you strengthen your desire to develop and change, you will not have the chance to realize any of the other elements we have listed. It is in human nature to live effortlessly.
When we are babies, when the world withholds its resources from us, it is blocked, and we rejoice when it offers us. After experiencing this interaction thousands of times in our early childhood, we are stuck in this outdated pattern, even at the expense of our marriages, creating a pattern about the world. We want to experience fairy tales where the beautiful princess meets the handsome prince and lives happily ever after. We can only begin to satisfy our subconscious desires when we see marriage as a vehicle for change and self-improvement.